By Desiree Seisa (Eldest daughter, age 19)
Motivated, determined. Faithful. Calm. Quiet-spirited. Strong - emotionally, spiritually, and when she could, physically. My mom is all of that and more.. yet I never fully understood why everyone thought of my mom as the greatest, how she was so relatable with them all… because for 19 years, I never fully felt that closeness to her the way everyone has.
These past few years, as she gained closer relationships with Intersection, my friends, and some cousins that took the time to get to know her, I couldn’t help but distance myself from her, and I never figured out why. I was jealous of the way that everyone had a closer relationship with her because I felt like my relationship with her never reached it’s fullest potential like I’ve always longed for. When we did talk, it was always enlightening, but I never took it to a deeper level. I thought I had all the time in the world to spill my heart out to her. I let myself wait for the day that I would finally break loose and tell my mom the whole truth; everything I’ve been going through and struggling with while being in college away from home. I missed my family a lot, but being home made me almost feel as if I didn’t belong. I became bitter and closed off.
As a lot of my peers called her their “second mom” and told about all the advice and encouraging words she’s given, I wished that I developed that in-depth relationship with her like they have. I felt like I never got that from her because I was too busy shutting her out. As a teenager, I knew my parents were there to listen, but I let myself go through my trials alone. I would rebel, get in trouble for it, they’d bring me to the dinner table, then tell me everything that they were disappointed in. I could never speak. I never knew what to say. I never even tried to justify my actions, because I knew I was wrong yet kept doing everything for myself anyway. I knew they loved me, but it hurt so much to disappoint them and I always asked myself why I kept doing what I wanted anyways. I wondered when I was going to wake up to my reality.
In 2008, I lost one of my close friends, Steven, in a car accident. I finally got my reality check that I’ve been unknowingly waited for, and it nearly broke me. As I wandered in the darkness for almost 2 years after his death, I questioned God. I wondered where my friend was going, if he was in Heaven. That worry and anxiety I held inside almost ate me alive. I took the time to evaluate my life and immediately felt ashamed of the life I was leading. The things I never did, the words I never said. Even as I kept telling myself that I was going through all of this alone, I knew deep down, I wasn’t. The words my dad previously said to me at our dinner table stuck to me: “Desiree, you are not alone. That’s the devil telling you that you are.” At the time, I felt as if he was scolding me, but I kept those words engraved in my heart and I knew that no matter how much I stayed disappointed in MYSELF, that they still loved me.
My mom continually let me know that my friend was a dreamer and that I must learn from my struggle… that whatever happened, it is not for me to know all the questions - only God does. I still hold that truth to my heart when it comes to my mom. As for my mother's passing, many people, including myself, will still ask God, “Why? Why take away someone so soon – someone who seemed so righteous, who we thought would have more time to shine light to those who still needed it?” Even as I stand here today, I am in disbelief. My reality sank in when I found out that my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer a few weeks ago. Losing my baby brother, losing my good friends, losing my grandfathers, losing our home to foreclosure, I felt almost numb. My harsh reality was still sinking while my mom was at the hospital. All the visitors that we haven’t seen in what seemed like years, seeing her lay in bed, frail and physicaly weak. I asked her “Mom, what are you doing here? You’re going to get better. This is not the life that we’re meant to live.” While she was at the hospital and it was just me and her, I kissed her and she started crying. She said, “You are my strength. You and dad.” I sat there, shocked and in amazement, because this whole time, I thought I was the weak one.
It took me 19 years to finally realize how great of a mom I had, but even still, I am more thankful than ever for the forgiveness that God has given me. To this day, I thank God that I have a mom who I am sure that forgives me, despite falling away from her, and running from her embrace. Without the hope of Jesus Christ, I would still be living in the dark, questioning every little thing of my life, even to my very existence. It burns to live with pain and regret weighing on my shoulders, and this time around, I don’t want to handle my mom’s loss like all the ones before. I know she wouldn’t want me to. My mom homeschooled me and Liana at home, and as I look back at how much I hated it, I’m thankful because we developed the spiritual strength and wisdom that I know she wanted us to have before she let us go to high school. My mom had a heart that she let open to our family and friends, and I know that she had a passion to love them and help them up whenever they were feeling lost just as I did. When we would stray, her heart broke FOR us, yet when, or IF, we decided to run back, she always forgave and held her arms and home open.
I’m thankful that she never let her dreams die – her dream to become a Diamond and to share with the world the love that Jesus Christ has given her. She let me fulfill MY dreams and fully supported my own passion to express myself through dance and art. She opened her heart and gave endless amounts of wisdom to all the people who were willing to listen. And I’m thankful for that, so as I get to know the people who she was close to, I get to know her more, too.
We all say that she has left us a legacy. The only thing that’s left is for us to decide whether we want to let it continue or not... whether we want to show others the love and care that she has given US: her open home, being readily available to listen and love unconditionally. I wonder from here on if were going to be the same way to our friends and family, EVEN to the people we prefer not to surround ourselves with. As our lives move forward, I pray that the day comes when we will finally wake up. One day, maybe our hearts will be broken and it will get us running back to Christ just like my mom has whenever she faced her struggles. Over time, it’ll be as easy for us to forgive just as my mom has forgiven me, and as Christ forgave us.
This is a journal entry my mom wrote dated June 12, 2011. It gave me hope for future joy, and I hope that whenever you feel like you're trapped in the darkness, that you'll find your inspiration, too.
These past few years, as she gained closer relationships with Intersection, my friends, and some cousins that took the time to get to know her, I couldn’t help but distance myself from her, and I never figured out why. I was jealous of the way that everyone had a closer relationship with her because I felt like my relationship with her never reached it’s fullest potential like I’ve always longed for. When we did talk, it was always enlightening, but I never took it to a deeper level. I thought I had all the time in the world to spill my heart out to her. I let myself wait for the day that I would finally break loose and tell my mom the whole truth; everything I’ve been going through and struggling with while being in college away from home. I missed my family a lot, but being home made me almost feel as if I didn’t belong. I became bitter and closed off.
As a lot of my peers called her their “second mom” and told about all the advice and encouraging words she’s given, I wished that I developed that in-depth relationship with her like they have. I felt like I never got that from her because I was too busy shutting her out. As a teenager, I knew my parents were there to listen, but I let myself go through my trials alone. I would rebel, get in trouble for it, they’d bring me to the dinner table, then tell me everything that they were disappointed in. I could never speak. I never knew what to say. I never even tried to justify my actions, because I knew I was wrong yet kept doing everything for myself anyway. I knew they loved me, but it hurt so much to disappoint them and I always asked myself why I kept doing what I wanted anyways. I wondered when I was going to wake up to my reality.
In 2008, I lost one of my close friends, Steven, in a car accident. I finally got my reality check that I’ve been unknowingly waited for, and it nearly broke me. As I wandered in the darkness for almost 2 years after his death, I questioned God. I wondered where my friend was going, if he was in Heaven. That worry and anxiety I held inside almost ate me alive. I took the time to evaluate my life and immediately felt ashamed of the life I was leading. The things I never did, the words I never said. Even as I kept telling myself that I was going through all of this alone, I knew deep down, I wasn’t. The words my dad previously said to me at our dinner table stuck to me: “Desiree, you are not alone. That’s the devil telling you that you are.” At the time, I felt as if he was scolding me, but I kept those words engraved in my heart and I knew that no matter how much I stayed disappointed in MYSELF, that they still loved me.
My mom continually let me know that my friend was a dreamer and that I must learn from my struggle… that whatever happened, it is not for me to know all the questions - only God does. I still hold that truth to my heart when it comes to my mom. As for my mother's passing, many people, including myself, will still ask God, “Why? Why take away someone so soon – someone who seemed so righteous, who we thought would have more time to shine light to those who still needed it?” Even as I stand here today, I am in disbelief. My reality sank in when I found out that my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer a few weeks ago. Losing my baby brother, losing my good friends, losing my grandfathers, losing our home to foreclosure, I felt almost numb. My harsh reality was still sinking while my mom was at the hospital. All the visitors that we haven’t seen in what seemed like years, seeing her lay in bed, frail and physicaly weak. I asked her “Mom, what are you doing here? You’re going to get better. This is not the life that we’re meant to live.” While she was at the hospital and it was just me and her, I kissed her and she started crying. She said, “You are my strength. You and dad.” I sat there, shocked and in amazement, because this whole time, I thought I was the weak one.
It took me 19 years to finally realize how great of a mom I had, but even still, I am more thankful than ever for the forgiveness that God has given me. To this day, I thank God that I have a mom who I am sure that forgives me, despite falling away from her, and running from her embrace. Without the hope of Jesus Christ, I would still be living in the dark, questioning every little thing of my life, even to my very existence. It burns to live with pain and regret weighing on my shoulders, and this time around, I don’t want to handle my mom’s loss like all the ones before. I know she wouldn’t want me to. My mom homeschooled me and Liana at home, and as I look back at how much I hated it, I’m thankful because we developed the spiritual strength and wisdom that I know she wanted us to have before she let us go to high school. My mom had a heart that she let open to our family and friends, and I know that she had a passion to love them and help them up whenever they were feeling lost just as I did. When we would stray, her heart broke FOR us, yet when, or IF, we decided to run back, she always forgave and held her arms and home open.
I’m thankful that she never let her dreams die – her dream to become a Diamond and to share with the world the love that Jesus Christ has given her. She let me fulfill MY dreams and fully supported my own passion to express myself through dance and art. She opened her heart and gave endless amounts of wisdom to all the people who were willing to listen. And I’m thankful for that, so as I get to know the people who she was close to, I get to know her more, too.
We all say that she has left us a legacy. The only thing that’s left is for us to decide whether we want to let it continue or not... whether we want to show others the love and care that she has given US: her open home, being readily available to listen and love unconditionally. I wonder from here on if were going to be the same way to our friends and family, EVEN to the people we prefer not to surround ourselves with. As our lives move forward, I pray that the day comes when we will finally wake up. One day, maybe our hearts will be broken and it will get us running back to Christ just like my mom has whenever she faced her struggles. Over time, it’ll be as easy for us to forgive just as my mom has forgiven me, and as Christ forgave us.
This is a journal entry my mom wrote dated June 12, 2011. It gave me hope for future joy, and I hope that whenever you feel like you're trapped in the darkness, that you'll find your inspiration, too.
My dear child,
In this season of life, I decided to set you apart. You need to be with Me, and only Me. You must put away your selfish desires.
You cannot desire your family more than me. You cannot put your dream before me. What happened in the past, stays in the past. Even the memories of our son must be laid to rest.
I am jealous for you. You must crave and desire only Me. I have an assignment for you, and it requires your full and complete attention.
I overturned the tables, threw away the trash, and cleaned your house.
Only you and I are sitting at the dinner table. Release your burdens, your fears, your failures… they are no more.
Be still, here my voice. Listen closely to what I say. “To obey is better than sacrifice.”
You will no longer serve me under YOUR conditions; I’m in charge now. I lead, you follow. Trust me, serve me, love me, believe in me.
Love, Your Heavenly Father
“I’m mourning for the loss of me.”
